The Still of the Night Causes a Storm in the Mind

This past week the remnants of my family (my sister and I) got together to watch The Boondock Saints 2. After the movie she criticized it rather harshly which spawned a conversation about what makes a good piece of entertainment.  My sister and I are both writing books.  The difference being that I’m writing a tech book on iPhone development and she’s writing a fiction novel.  Inevitably we talk about each other’s projects.

On this particular night she tells me that she’s scrapping the 46 pages of single spaced 10 point font she’s written thus far.  Her reasoning is that she wants to differentiate herself from other female writers.  The specifics of her decision revolve around shifting the focus of the story from relationships to losing one’s mind.

A large part of the conversation involved a debate about the relevance of Twilight which shared some aspects with her original story.  Being the older brother I am I had to point out the fact that Twilight has been hugely successful as have love/relationship stories throughout time.  I also pointed out the fact that there haven’t been too many successful stories about the erosion of one’s mind (though A Beautiful Mind was fantastic).  The end result of the conversation was that I shook my sister’s confidence and at Thanksgiving dinner the next night she reminded me several times.

As a creative person I’ve learned throughout the years that you largely need to ignore other people in your pursuit of that perfect piece of work. The honest truth is that the only person who knows your vision is you. What you create for other’s to see may only be a crude representation of what you actually envision.  If that’s the case then it’s simply a matter of improving your skills to match your vision.  No matter what it’s important to remember that.

Many creative individuals are also insecure which is why most entertainment industries are run by opportunistic moguls instead of the creatives that actually power our culture’s best works of art.  If you’re creative, forget the insecurity.  This is what I told my sister.  I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what anyone, not even me sees in her creation. She’s the only one who knows what her creative spark is capable of.

At the end of the day this is the point of creativity.  It’s the challenge to get what’s on the inside to make sense as it comes out.  There are many ways to communicate these creative thoughts and sometimes other people can help you clarify what you’re trying to communicate but they’ll never be the source of what you’re trying to communicate.

A week or so ago I wrote about The Human Compiler which is an important component of game development.  As a game designer you need to watch other people’s reactions to your creation closely to see if you’re communicating properly with the player.  This is different than relying on someone else to communicate your creative vision for you.  As I stated earlier, you need to grow your skills to match your creative vision and this is no different.  It takes a certain type of skill to siphon out the difference between someone else’s creative vision infringing on your own and an error in the communication of your creative vision.

So there you have it, isolate your creative spark.  You are the only one who knows what’s on the inside and it’s your job to find the best way to showcase it on the outside.  Don’t bow to anyone in this process but don’t get hurt if people don’t “get it” either. People aren’t mind readers, they’re creators, which means it’s your job to communicate not others’ to magically comprehend your inner most thoughts.

In 1997 I came up with a game concept. That concept was a fun and simple 2D building demolition game where players would plant charges and try to level a cityscape. I developed this concept about a year after learning some BASIC programming on my TI-85 calculator and before I entered college. At the time it’s safe to say I didn’t really have the skills to do the concept justice.

Fast forward to 2006. I sit down at my computer one evening and I finally prototype this concept now calling it Debris. I develop a working sim with blocks, bombs, and a caution tape line. The premise is simple, plant the bombs in such a way that upon detonation all the blocks fit below the caution tape line.

I work on this prototype for a few months (mainly tweaking the physics) and eventually show the concept to a company who’d published my earlier work. They write me back and tell me they don’t see any promise in this concept. They tell me they can’t suggest even a single bit of advice in order to make the concept more fun for them.

Their feedback of course stood in stark contrast with my vision as well as the feedback I’d received from several other people who I’d actually gotten to show the game in person. As with anything communication is key when unleashing a brand new game concept. I’m sure something was lost without myself involved to fill in the blanks as someone played this game for the first time. Such is the potential fate of any unfinished prototype.

In October 2007 I attempted once again to show off this concept.  This time at the Indie Games Con. Again, it’s turned down for publication by this company that had worked so closely with me in the past.  To add insult to injury, I’m told by someone I’d once considered a mentor that it “sucked”.  I went home dejected and dropped the development of Debris to work on Full Contact Debate another idea I’d had banging around my brain for years.

Of course there was one redeeming event which took place at IGC that year. The morning after I was told the game sucked I walked in an there was a group of 6 other developers standing around a computer laughing. As I walked up I realized they were playing Debris and they’d just realized you could take the helicopter out if you planted the bombs correctly. In the PC/Mac version of Debris the helicopter would go spastic and bounce around the screen taking everything out in its path. As they left a few of the guys told me it was a great game concept. Seeing their reaction to the title renewed my belief that eventually this would be a hit game.

Now we move on to October 2008. At this point I’d long given up the idea of pitching ideas to publishers with lesser vision than myself. Throughout the years I’d pitched concepts to a plethora of publishers and I was always disappointed with the results. Finally though, the iPhone and the App Store had arrived and there would no longer be a difference of creative opinions to stop the publication of any title. I jumped onto the iPhone development wagon as quickly as possible and I knew exactly what my first title would be.

Debris appeared on the App Store by December 5th 2008 and to my knowledge was the first 2D casual building demolition game created. When I originally developed the prototype I searched for other controlled demolition games and the only thing I found was an obscure PS2 game released in Europe but it was a more serious 3D simulation instead of a casual physics game. My prediction circa 2006 was that the most popular casual games were going to be physics based as opposed to the match-3 titles that dominated the early-mid part of the decade. Looking at the iPhone market today I was absolutely correct and I’m proud to say that I not only made an accurate prediction but I took part in the market with a handful of causal physics sims which I developed.

Now it’s the end of 2009 and it’s been the roughest year of my life. It hasn’t all been bad but it has been a roller coaster. As most people who read this blog know, I lost my dear mother to suicide on March 23rd. I have been depressed since then although certain events have been overwhelmingly positive this year, the loss of my mother casts a shadow over those events. To further add to my pain this year a title called Implode! landed on the App Store about a week ago and since then has risen up the charts into the top 5 best selling iPhone games. Implode! is Debris, it’s a casual 2D controlled demolition game and it arrived almost exactly 1 year after Debris on the iPhone.

Considering that I developed this concept sooo long ago I’m heart broken that I wasn’t the one to fully capitalize on the concept. When I developed it in 2006 I knew it had the potential to rise straight to the top. Unfortunately, being first isn’t always best and in fact some people would say it’s detrimental. This is one of those cases.

I rushed Debris out on the iPhone trying to take advantage of the devices unique abilities such as pinch/zoom, swipe momentum, and the accelerometer tilt. Unfortunately, using these special capabilities of the iPhone was ultimately a distraction from the core experience. Implode! for the iPhone is actually much closer to what Debris was originally for the PC/Mac. Plant bombs, detonate, and try to get the blocks below a line. The version of Debris I ended up putting out for the iPhone wasn’t received particularly well because the core was watered down in an attempt to make it iPhone-centric. Granted, some components of Debris are great fun but overall I let the core suffer in favor of design diversions such as tilt, zoom, and killing aliens with the blocks.

Still, I’m not jaded or angry (OK, just a little). Debris was after all the title that allowed me to develop my own concepts as my sole source of income. Without Debris I wouldn’t be where I am today. Furthermore, there’s no law against sequels and while Debris may not ultimately get recognized as the title that brought the casual controlled demolition genre into the limelight perhaps its sequel can utilize the success Implode! is currently enjoying to be an even bigger success.

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving!

When you’re developing games it can hurt when you spend a few weeks or months on something only to have other people scoff at your creation. In my early years this really hurt my feelings. Actually, even today it doesn’t “feel good” when other people don’t get what you’re trying to communicate with a game. I often feel like a screaming infant whose parents just don’t comprehend what I’m trying to communicate with my goo-goo-gah-gah’s. It can make you feel quite disconnected from the rest of the world when you think something’s cool and no one else agrees.

The way that I deal with this is to consider play testers what I call “The Human Compiler”. The point of this is that you don’t get your feelings hurt when a programming compiler throws an error. No, instead you simply go to line N and change the code so that it works. When you get people playing your game for the first time there are going to be “Human Compiler Errors”. As with any other compiler the solution is simple, go to the figurative line N and fix it.

The biggest issue is that human beings aren’t discreet like a machine language compiler so you have to use your human judgment and read between the lines a little. Once you get past the “hurt feelings” part though it becomes pretty easy to read people’s feedback and trace the true root of the “Human Compiler Error”. The realization that people play testing your game is just another compiler is the most important piece of the puzzle here. Don’t get disheartened just take it all in, get a gut reading on everyone’s combined input, and then get back to work!

Back in March Christian Nutt of Gamasutra posed the question “Can The Industry Make a B-game?”

I think I’ve done just that with a little stupid ass title called Kube Killer.  I initially created this game out of frustration.  I was frustrated and angry over my mother’s death (hence this being one of the few violent games I’ve made) and I was also but to a much lesser degree frustrated over the apparent lack of logic within the App Store eco system.

My last post was about making easy games.  I purposely created Kube Killer to be challenge-less and a time waster that would roll as many ads as possible on the business end.  I was analyzing some of the popular games on the iPhone that my younger cousin was playing and they all had something in common, ZERO challenge but plenty of time consumption. When I released Kube Killer I put it out at $0.99 (no ads) at my wife’s request.  In truth though the game was always supposed to be free.  I thought people might play it and actually get caught up challenging each other to see who could in fact kill the most kubes which would be optimal for an ad based title.  It was also created to be somewhat of a satirical poke at the App Store in general, dumb games getting attention they don’t deserve was part of the inspiration for Kube Killer.

At $0.99 the game was mostly ignored.  It sold a few copies but never made any real impact.  Fast forward to this past Friday when I changed the game to free.  Somehow, the game started climbing the charts regardless of the terrible graphics, poor description, and even worse reviews.  Nearly everything about this game signaled people to avoid it at all costs (the icon is even black like the plague) and yet in true App Store fashion the title started climbing the charts extending its figurative middle finger to logic the whole way.

As of right now the game has been downloaded nearly 10,000 times since Friday.  Some of the players have even taken to competing for the most kills via the online leaderboards.  The title is hovering in the Top 30 Adventure games and the Top 20 RPG games and with each iTunes update the rank climbs while the reviews get worse and yet people even started a thread to talk about this waste of time on Touch Arcade!

As I watched this all unfold I was initially ashamed.  If any game was supposed to do well this weekend it was supposed to be my new title Ragduck Hunt which was logically created to appeal to the App Store crowd while actually being a pretty good game with solid production values.  Kube Killer, the red headed step child of my portfolio though is now the most “popular” iPhone game I’ve made.  This game is terrible both purposefully and accidentally (simultaneously) and for some reason people are downloading the crap out of it … stranger still some people are playing the crap out of it.  I think that constitutes a legitimate B-game.

10 years ago yesterday I was a college student enrolled in a computer science program.  I spent most of my time programming games on my TI-85 calculator during class but still managed to take something away from the experience.  I was also a gamer and September 9th, 1999 was a big day.  Anticipation grew throughout the day as I waited for classes to end.  The afternoon and evening couldn’t fly by quick enough. The moment I was waiting for was midnight, when I could finally wrap my arms around my very own Dreamcast at the local EB.

Finally, the night was getting long in the tooth.  At around 10PM a friend and I headed out to Lynnhaven Mall stopping at Wendy’s for some late night spicy chicken sandwiches (a favorite during the college years). Then we finally landed in line for the hotly anticipated Dreamcast.  The line was long but people were stoked.  Everyone and their brother wanted to support Sega after the dismal failure of the Saturn.  There was a hint of nostalgia in the air.  Older gamers didn’t want Sony to put Sega out of commission even if they liked the Playstation.  Thus, the calvary lined up at the stroke of midnight to put Sega back on the map.

The line was exciting initially but it was nothing in comparison to the first time they pulled out a working Dreamcast running Soul Calibur for everyone to try.  The next thing you knew there was a line embedded within the first line as people tried their hand at this new game with the most amazing graphics ever witnessed on a home console.  Remarkably, Soul Calibur played as good as it looked.

The crew at EB was extremely cool and efficient that night.  Dreamcast systems, games and accessories had all been bundled up according to customer pre-orders prior to the big launch.  As such we really didn’t have to wait too long.  After finally getting our systems we returned to my place and continued playing all our new games into the wee hours of the morning.  It’s hard to believe it was a decade ago!

Last night I had to do it, I had to pull the Dreamcast and co out of their bin and hook it up alongside my 360 and PS3.  Much to my surprise Soul Calibur has held up really well.  It’s still graphically impressive and the control and collision is super tight.  I never understood why Sega gave up. In my idealists eyes the Dreamcast could be a competitor today.  After reading the Gamasutra article with interviews of all the major executives involved I think the demise of the Dreamcast was pretty fishy.  But what’s done is done.  At least we got to enjoy the system for a while.

Of course I can’t just recap that launch night without explaining how it had some profound effect on me. Back then I was a college student who had programmed a few games on his calculator.  Now it’s a decade later and I’ve become the game developer I had dreamed of.  The largest effect that night had on me was a new found love for midnight launches and the excitement involved.  The studio title Midnight Status is a direct result of that launch night (which as far as I can remember was the first midnight video game launch I took part in).  Midnight Status is the excitement people feel for their entertainment.  It’s what happens when people wait in line in the middle of the night with strangers who share a passion.  It’s what runs through your mind when you didn’t pre-order an XBox and you’re running from store to store in the middle of the night trying to find a location with a short enough line to guarantee you a system.  Midnight Status came from a seed that was planted in my mind 10 years ago when the Dreamcast arrived.  It seems the name was quite suitable now doesn’t it?

Well, summer’s over and it is time to go back to work full time.  This year has been a wild roller coaster of ups and downs.  It kicked off with me having just turned 30 and finally getting to become a full time game developer thanks to the iPhone.  This was just about my biggest dream come true … finally after years and years of work.  Not all has been well though, during the month of March I lost my dear mother who I loved very much.  Losing a parent has been, up to this point, one of if not my biggest nightmares.  As such the year suddenly seemed to come right back to neutral if not go completely negative for me.  In the months after that though friends and family gathered around me to help me through the toughest thing I’ve ever faced in my life and they helped me stay on track.  Also, my wife and I got a new golden retriever puppy named Maeby which didn’t hurt (so long as she wasn’t peeing inside).

Not coincidentally, the puppy was our 1st year anniversary gift to each other.  Again, things were looking somewhat positive … even if a bit of depression was lingering from my mother’s passing.  Of course what goes up must come down as I found out that a friend of mine lost his wife.  Again, I felt that negativity.  Life is short and sometimes it’s very painful for you and those around you.  It’s all we can do sometimes just to hold each other up.

Of course that was the beginning of the summer and I knew that better things (like the beach) were just on the horizon.  Since my mother passed I haven’t done too much work.  I hit a deadline for the book I’m writing, created Disco Pool, and also put out a little game called Kube Killer.  All in all it was really nice to live off the work I had done earlier in the year with Skyline Blade which has been my most successful game.  As I’ve written before, it’s not a crazy amount of money but it does pay the rent and when you don’t have to worry about that it helps … a lot.  I got to do a lot of swimming, sunning, and puppy watching which has been therapeutic.  I can now swim a kilometer (~0.6 of a mile) which is pretty cool considering that a month ago I could barely swim 50 meters or 1 lap in an Olympic size swimming pool.

Anyway, now that September’s here I’m back to work and I’m thinking ambitious again.  Over the summer I put something secret together but realized it was too ambitious.  I then proceeded to put that project on hold for a short while longer to pursue another project.  As it turns out I don’t do simple.  It just doesn’t happen, at least not well.  My new project which started out simple has now become a mini-epic.  It’s still not as ambitious as my secret project so that’s good but it’s going to take longer than the few weeks I had hoped to invest.

This brings me to what’s really been on my mind lately.  Is it wise to really invest myself in a game again? In 2002 and 2003 I created 2 large games which took about a year each to complete.  Aerial Antics is the game I’m probably still most well known for although my iPhone games have sold many more copies.  Ever since Aerial Antics flopped I cannot will myself to develop something with a lot of care.  That’s not to say I haven’t worked hard.  I have worked hard this past year and I really pushed myself on Full Contact Debate as well but I haven’t committed myself to a project like I did with Aerial Antics.  At least it doesn’t feel that way.  It’s very hard to fully commit yourself when every time you do your project flops.  Then it gets to the point where you start going for the quick and easy project instead of something you’re truly proud of.

I feel like I’m making myself sound really lazy here.  Anyone who knows me also knows this isn’t true.  The point is though, if you push yourself will anyone really notice or care?  Well, I think they well.  The iPhone games I’ve developed actually seem to sell in direct proportion to how much time and money I invested in them and of course money is really just tangible condensed time.  In the end I suppose I’m answering my own question.  If you make it they will come and they will notice that you worked your ass off.  However, if you waiver even for a split second people will identify the chinks in your armor.  Don’t waiver, be obsessive, create something you think is perfect and even if someone thinks they’ve found a weakness you’ll be able to deflect them because you’ll know in your own heart that you did absolutely all you can.

So here I am after years of time, a better coder, a better artist, with better tools ready to commit myself to a truly ambitious (yet not overly so like FCD) project once again.  Wish me luck!

Although I don’t consider myself to be particularly successful (I’m probably behind the curve considering how much time I’ve spent developing games). I do have a few techniques which I’ve learned along the way that I think aid in the quest for success in game development.

1 - If you’re having trouble with motivation tackle a technical problem.  The creative aspects of game development are great but usually the great creative sparks come when you least expect them.  I don’t believe you can control the creative juices per se, only nurture them.  What you can control though are technical hang-ups.  Next time you’re stuck trying to come up with a game concept engage in a technical activity you hadn’t previously conquered and you’ll find yourself in awe of the creative possibilities your knew found technical knowledge provides.

2 - Always think in terms of IP, just scope it right.  Massive IP’s like Star Wars are fantastic.  The idea of creating an imaginary universe that generates a cult-like following is the creator’s dream.  The only problem with big IP’s is that they are often too ambitious to complete correctly. Every now and then someone like George Lucas comes along and does it but situations like his are the exception.  Still, any concept you come up with can contain cross platform/medium functionality.  For instance I’m working on an iPhone game/concept which I can sell, create an article about, and include in a book I’m writing.  In this sense I’m still creating and leveraging an intellectual property just not on the epic scale we all usually think of as it relates to IP.

3 - Don’t ever give up and don’t listen to anyone or anything but your gut instinct.  I’ve been through it all.  People in high school told me I wasn’t intelligent enough to develop games, game reviewers have thrashed my work as have publishers, mentors, and friends … heck even my own mother told me I wasn’t good enough at math to make them.  I couldn’t care less what anyone ever said because I knew in my gut that I was going to do this no matter what anyone ever said.  Shigeru Miyamoto himself could tell me to hang it up and I would do nothing short of consider him an amateur with no vision and continue on my merry way.  No one, and I mean NO ONE can tell you it’s impossible to succeed except yourself.

A big dream of mine has always been to appear on late night TV with a host like Jay Leno because I created the next great video game. To me, this sort of accomplishment would signify the real rise of video games as a cultural phenomenon. Writers, actors, musicians, and animal trainers appear on these type of shows all the time, but you never see anyone promoting a video game unless they’re Tiger Woods which just doesn’t count. I wanted to see an actual game developer on late night TV, not someone else who just happened to have a video game made after them because they were good at something else.

Last night we finally hit the big time as Kudo Tsunoda took the stage to showcase Project Natal on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I had some mixed feelings about Project Natal as a gamer but I do think it will revolutionize gaming with regard to the mass market. The Wii showed everyone the door but I think Natal has the potential to really welcome everyone through it. However you feel about Natal though it was totally rad to see an actual game developer up on late night TV with Hollywood and all the rockers.

The funny thing was that I made a joke to my friend 2 days ago that Kudo looked like a Bono wannabe during his E3 presentation. What the heck though, if that’s what it takes to legitimize game development as an art form so be it. People like interesting people and Kudo definitely had that going for him at E3 and on Jimmy last night.

Of course I also think this breakthrough has a lot to do with the type of games we’re getting into these days. E3 was quite a bit different this year with all the human performances to go along with the games. Between the Wii and Rock Band we finally have games that appeal to people not just nerds. Before now the best the industry could muster was to mimmic Hollywood and make epic looking pre-rendered trailers.

At E3 this year the most boring presentations were old school gamer gamers like Modern Warfare 2 and God of War III … I almost fell asleep watching people play them. Second up was the epic trailers, which needless to say were also pretty boring. The best presentations were the Wii, Beatles Rock Band, Playstation Eye/Motion, and Natal demos where real live people were performing in sync with fine cinematic sequences in the backdrop along with real gameplay that the players were interacting with but in a way that was also entertaining for a crowd. By comparison the old school way of playing games seemed really archaic.

That’s not to say that I don’t like old school gameplay. I think it’s fine for 1-4 people to sit down and play together. However, it was never going to be an all consuming force like music or movies until you could simultaneously enjoy other people playing. The human element that music and movies contain was simply missing.

Anyway, congratulations Kudo and I hope to see many more game developers appear side by side with actors and rockers in the future!

I’ve blogged about The Singularity is Near and the not so warm fuzzy feeling it left me with months ago. Two weeks ago I watched the new Star Trek and loved it. This week I caught a YouTube video called 2008 Latest Edition Did You Know 3.0. What does it all add up to? Basically, I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with this equation. As much as I love computers, information, progress, and buzz this stuff scares the hell out of me. By 2049 a $1,000 computer will exceed the computational power of the entire human race. What does that even mean?

It means to me that there’ll be a day like Star Trek all right but that the ships will be computers with thrusters attached and no crew. When amoebas evolved did the next iteration really care or include amoebas in their processes? Sure amoebas still survive today but let’s face it they still do what amoebas do. If we create computers with more computational capabilities than the entire human race then I don’t see a place for us to be exploring the universe at the speed of light. Sure the machines will probably need us for a while to repair them and such but eventually we’ll be obsolete as evolution keeps moving on. Terminator here we come.

Of course Terminator is really bleak and that’s not my style. I don’t really see the future like that. I don’t think that a machine with more computational capability than the entire human race combined would really pay attention to us. The machine would definitely just leave Earth. In Terminator the machines view us as a threat. When was the last time you perceived an amoeba as a threat?

Intelligence is nothing more than the evolution algorithm but quicker. Our brains can run the evolution algorithm abstractly and predict the future to a degree. Computers can already out predict human beings, the catch though is that the algorithms they run are created by people. At some point in the near future computers will not only run the numbers but they’ll create the algorithms as well. Once we cross that threshold intelligence will be as outdated as evolution. If intelligence is evolution squared then what comes next will be expolution or expotelligence. The speed at which our successors think will blow our heads off our shoulders and we’ll be left here to surf the web, social network, and play casual games all day … and I was soooo looking forward to space travel. Maybe they’ll take us with them like pet chimps.

I guess my wife summed it up the best by calling Wall-E out as the most realistic movie portrayal of the future. Take 1 part Star Trek, 1 part Terminator, 1 part pet chimps, and voila … it’s our future! I need to go eat something and do some Skynet programming in preparation, good night!

If you’ve read through my blog or any my other articles on Gamasutra you’ll notice that I draw many comparisons to magic. I’ve mentioned Harry Potter, The Prestige, and The Illusionist. This article shares its title with the 1996 cult classic (or not) movie which was also about magic.

As a game designer/developer I’m constantly in a relentless pursuit to capture the mastery of my craft, much like a magician I suppose. A craft is like an ever evolving beast though which you can never capture. When I examine my past I’m so enthralled by my progress over the years and yet at the same time I’m completely humbled by the journey that lies before me. A long time ago I said I wanted to be the best that’s ever been. Statements like this are probably tossed out everyday by young wannabe game developers, the sad thing is that I said it when I first started this journey and I still believe it today. How I’ll really accomplish it I don’t know though.

As I pass through life I’m always amazed by the things other people create. Just this evening I collected a few stars in Super Mario Galaxy and I also watched an episode of CSI: Miami. As a creative individual I always pull apart and analyze the components of other creative works but mostly I just sit in awe. Super Mario Galaxy and CSI: Miami might not seem to have much in common but in actuality they do. Both of these creative endeavors bring together a beautiful blend of sounds, visuals, and story that capture our imaginations. Each component is attractive and balanced somehow hooking my attention. Now, I’m not one to consume entertainment like an addict. More or less I appreciate a creative endeavor and then I move on attempting to apply new things I find attractive to my craft so that my products might be more attractive for other people.

Of course looking at other great works of art to enhance the creative or aesthetic components of my products is just a tiny fraction of The Craft. Business, communication, teamwork, time management, and much more comprise to whole of The Craft. The video game business is so complex and competitive that I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t narrow down what component of The Craft I want to master.

As an independent I make what I want and then market it how I want. It’s basically the same tired old story of any indie. I wear many hats and I think at this point in my career that I wear most of them pretty well. I’m far from being really great at any one thing but I do each thing well enough to make a living. The question is, do I have enough time on this Earth to really master each component of this ever growing beastly Craft to even be mentioned among the best?

Right now things are looking bleak. New guys come along everyday and seem to instantly jump to the head of the class. Hearing about Ethan Nicholas or Simon Oliver just ruins my day. Here I’ve been focused on game development for so long and these new guys just swoop in and capture headlines. At times it just seems like a cruel joke or that perhaps it’s all luck.

Yet when I examine my work I see huge fault. I haven’t focused on the actual Craft at hand enough. Forget the business, the tech, or the art. The craft is a dance of delicate balance where you foster an experience that is beautiful and fun for other people. It’s very difficult to explain but I’m so excited about mastering The Craft that most of the time I exhibit an almost ADD type behavior. I love it all and want to participate on every level, so much so that I’m failing to compete among the best successfully.

Recently, I was at a meeting for the Richmond Game Designers’ Special Interest Group. There were several discussions going on among different people. Some were talking business, some gameplay, and others art or technology. As someone who’s been around the block a few times I had something to offer to each conversation. The problem was that I’m only one person and could only participate in one conversation at a time and for the most part I was distracted from whatever conversation I was taking part in because I would hear something else which would catch my interest.

Last winter I really enjoyed The Golden Compass, the aspect where individuals have a morphing animal following them around I found particularly intriguing. I think the morphing animals are a great metaphor for people growing up and deciding who they want to be. I’m very happy with most of my life and feel as if I’ve grown up right and made the choice about who I’m going to be in general. As life becomes more complex though it’s as if you add animals to your collection. Before you know it you have a menagerie of morphing animals walking around with you representative of all the key components of your life which require decisions.

As it relates to my career in the game industry I basically haven’t quite figured out what I like most. At this point the only position off the table is artist. If I put the time into it I can create some decent art. However, I do feel that it’s my weakest trait as it applies to The Craft. I’ve focused a lot of energy on programming. If there was one thing in the beginning I was fearful would be hard to get past it was the programming and the math. As it turns out I’ve become much more successful in this endeavor than I ever thought possible even in my wildest dreams. If you had asked me in high school whether I was going to be an artist or a programmer I would have jumped on the art bandwagon. As it stands now I’m a solid programmer who can accomplish most tasks especially when it comes to gameplay programming. My business mind has always been strong. I grew up among self-employed parents and I always saw myself running the show just as they did. My step father in particular was an excellent if cut-throat salesman. Through him I learned sales and in fact I sold boats for his company as a teen and did exceedingly well. The one thing I feel that I added to his equation was actually the removal of the cut-throat mentality. It its place I added tenacity, honesty, and just straight-up hard work. These are things I learned from my real father. Where my step-father would take advantage of someone else to alleviate some weight off his own back, my father would not. Until I myself am drowning I do the same. Finally, I’m a freelance writer. I don’t know exactly where this came from other than the fact that I always loved gaming magazines and the buzz they created. In high school I thought I was a decent writer but I remember certain times in college thinking otherwise. At this point in my life writing comes easy. Perhaps it’s all the forum discussions I’ve had throughout the last 10 years. Whatever it is, a certain part of me seems as if it would be content to let go of everything else and write about other people’s pursuit of The Craft. The buzz a good article like Portal Demystified generates puts me on cloud 9.

As I carry around this tiny morphing animal though I realize that a business guy can’t ever be the best game developer, business guys aren’t really developers at all. Then analyzing the game journalist position, it’s readily apparent that creating buzz with a great game has got to feel 10X better than creating buzz with an article about someone else’s great game. That leaves me with programmer and designer. When I go back to that day at the Richmond meet the one conversation I wanted to really participate in was the gameplay and art discussion. If I could somehow block out the rest of the conversations that is what I’d be happy with. I want to develop the fun and the beauty behind the games. For some reason though I’m always afraid I’ll miss out on the news and the big business stories if I put my head down for too long and so I never focus on the craft long enough to create something truly great. It will require great patience but hopefully my animal will take shape soon and I will acquire the harmony within and create that perfect work of art.